pause.

19Dec08

A Friend Unseen.

(Dedicated to Internet Friends)

It’s strange to have a friend
that you have never hugged
lightly touched their arm
or looked into their eyes.

But you have
touched their soul
felt their heart
been embraced by
the warmth of their being.

A friend unseen
is not a friend untouched.
The eyes of the soul will gaze
the heart will embrace
the image will stand tall
but only in a dream.

Original poetry by Patricia Walter (February 2000) ⓒ

I don’t think I’ll be writing here anymore for a while.

p/s: Decided to get rid of the floating snow.

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statue-statuesque.

13Dec08

Rock bottom.

Decembers always bring me down, but never this far.

So I’ve been a little out of it since last month’s Opthalmo finals when I determinedly pushed myself to go without sleep to sit for an exam that we only took three classes for. And then things began piling. Bit by bit, inch by inch like snow. I guess somehere along the line I snapped.

Oh I’ve been here before. Back then I didn’t think I had an anchor, like now. The worst is over and the aftermath… the aftermath I can take this time.

No I am not fragile. At least I wouldn’t want to admit that I am. I’m just a little bit of a screw-up maybe. Fixable definitely. But healing takes time. And time means waiting. And I’ve never been one for patience.

There are so many people I want to apologize to.

To thank.

To say ‘I Love you’ to, because I hardly say it enough.

I know this shall pass.

Although for now, for now I would like to just to lie in this song

Bloc Party’s Signs.

Listen to the glockenspiels so dreamy so beautiful like being lost inside a closed music box where no one can break me touch me find me.

It’s safe here.

I could sleep forever these days.

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Tags: bloc party, music, winter

sometimes unreal.

05Dec08

Lately, it seems like things keep spinning in perpetual motion. Relentlessly. And I can’t sleep at night and then the days are spent in a daze and I close my eyes lying in bed trying but all I get is more of the spinning.

Oh I just want to go home.

It’s when the fuzzy lines take on such clarity, but then again really… you always did kinda sorta know didn’t you?

Ingrid Michealson’s The Chain (Live from Webster Hall).

But I don’t say a lot of things.

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Tags: ingrid michealson, stars

a sentimental con.

02Dec08

A dose of Yeats for those cold dark nights.

More Stars, Life 2: The Unhappy Ending.

And that I’ll miss it when it’s gone.

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Tags: stars, yeats

patch. work.

26Nov08

Today another pair of my earphones died :(

That aside, I just wish I could grab a few certain people by the shoulders and scream the following into their brains because they seem to be unable to grasp some key concepts in life:

Live a little, please! Take risks. They don’t have to be stupid risks (like smoking, or riding a motorcycle without a helmet). They don’t even have to be risks, just try something new, let yourself indulge with that pricey bar of chocolate just once, go out at night and let the city lights sweep you off your feet, visit the park on a quiet Sunday morning without allowing the dreaded thought of Monday to give you grief before it’s due, will you.

Yeah be prepared, but allow yourself to be cavalier too sometimes. I mean, it’s not exactly rocket science.

Even if you think your life is already just the way you planned it out to be, then at least give other people some credit and not judge them as idiots for not being as stringent with theirs. Maybe they’re doing the things you would never do in a million years because they have to not because they want to. Maybe they were forced to compromise on the matter. Maybe they’re not as smart or calculated as you are, so at least be gracious enough not to rub the fact in their face okay.

And of course we’re all gonna die someday, but would you rather have a longer unfulfilled life than a maybe not so long rich and illustrious one? Yes, yes we are all going to die. But that’s an absurd excuse used by people who just are afraid of failure to prevent themselves from taking a chance. It could be that you’re used to having things easy, perhaps that’s why you don’t appreciate the little things as much. But for the rest of us, we’re grateful to taste the sweet pleasures of life and experience every bit of emotion we can get while we’re here.

You and me are both intelligent enough by now to be capable of weighing the consequences of our actions. So win or lose, it will be a lesson learned. And mistakes happen, they always will. If you want to stay in your comfort zone then that’s fine by me but don’t you dare tell me I’m stupid for living mine the best way I know how.

So this is what Mark Twain said:

Read that. I know you’ve probably heard it all before, but I do not want for you to wake up one day and realize how much you’ve missed. Let’s not regret. Let’s not wait twenty years to figure it out. Let’s be alive and really live instead of just existing.

Be considerate, I know you’re tired with all the running around and that there must be a reasonable amount of self-doubt taking up your thoughts at the moment as to whether or not you did the right thing. Responsibilities are tough enough to handle when they’re your own so I can only imagine how it must feel to have to answer for someone else as well. You have people depending on you now so you can’t let anyone down, least of all yourself. We get that.

Especially if now that it’s crunch time and there’s never enough time for anything anymore. But you brought that on to yourself, so you have absolutely No. Right. To. Get. Touchy.

Especially not when other people are just trying to look out for you.

Respect what’s mine and I’ll respect you. I am not one to be clingy/possessive/protective, but there is a damn fine line and you’re teetering dangerously close to crossing it.

Okay I’m done.

Music-wise, currently looping (on a spare set of clunky headphones):

Lisa Hannigan’s Pistachio, among others from her lovely album. The cover is delightfully quaint so I’m putting it up here :)

View her myspace and official site.

Anyways there’s Opthalmo finals this Saturday plus an editorial board shoot (formal wear!) right after on the same day. Lets hope I can photograph looking like I didn’t spend the entire week studying late and surviving primarily on coffee.

Filed under: affect change, general/randomness   |  3 Comments
Tags: dead earphones, lisa hannigan, mark twain quote, risks

you obviously have no clue.

23Nov08

Yeah, I know you can’t help who you fall for. But what if that person you’ve fallen so hard for belongs to someone else? Alright maybe no one really belongs to anyone else but there should be a line shouldn’t there? You can’t assume that just because you “think” you love this person, with an intensity that you believe is unparalleled, with so much passion and emotion that is just overflowing, with your heart wandering into forbidden territory despite all the warning signs, that it’s okay. It’s not okay. It’s not okay because when two people have found each other and are happy together, and still you believe that deep down you’re entitled to your own little piece of heaven even if that means messing up theirs… Then really, you don’t deserve to know what it’s like.

How can you possibly begrudge Love?

Don’t you get it? Love deserves a capital L. Along with other poignant words such as Faith, Hope, Music and Friendship. Some words are so heavily loaded or simply too meaningful that lower casing letters won’t do them justice.

And I’m writing this because some people just throw those words around and use them without thinking.

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Tags: stray thoughts

i started off with snow.

22Nov08

It’s started snowing again.

I remember the first night of snow we experienced in Moscow. Everyone ran downstairs to the park in front of our hostel. No one concerned in the least as to how cold it would get. Snowballs were flying in the air, we built icy walls as fortresses and made snow angels on the freshly fallen snow. Our asses were frozen numb, but we were in wonder so no one cared.

I remember how the tiny snowflakes stung like pinpricks on my skin. And how fast they melted, after. How it was white everywhere you turned, the wind blowing pieces of it into your eyes. So breathtaking. Just to take it all in.

If you were to only blink you’d miss so much.

Waxing lyrical on the subject of the snow has become a routine somewhat (read last year’s fairy tale moment here), I could really go on. But truthfully, the wonder wears off. White turns to grey and after a while the grey melts into mush. Plus you grow to resent the cold for making you eat nonstop.

Speaking of eating, I just went to the kitchen for a snack…

Get this. Our kitchen has been taken hostage by an insecure power crazy bimbo intent on depriving us of a chance to eat in our own friggin room. I am starving. Screw you and your business. Late Sunday morning brunches I can handle but only getting to make breakfast at 4pm the earliest? For 4 straight weeks? And it’s not like I haven’t tried being civil, or asked (nicely) to use an unoccupied stove. Dragging guys (!) in here, unsuspecting juniors too, like really? If you’re that desperate on seeking attention go play with them in your own room coz watching you try, it’s pathetic. Don’t make me lose whatever little appetite I have left.

Food and freedom. You take that away from me on a weekend, I will make sure you get burned bitch.

If I sound homicidal, that’s the hunger talking.

Songs keeping me rational for the time being:

Everything from You Are My Sunshine, Copeland’s delicious new album. This is The Day I Lost My Voice (The Suitcase Song).

If only music were edible.

Filed under: general/randomness, music   |  9 Comments
Tags: angels, copeland, emo much, hungry, snow, winter